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Frogs, pineapples and bikinis – six of the worst records ever made

November 25, 2013 | Scott

On Saturday 30th January 1977 the DJ Kenny Everett presented ‘The World’s Worst Wireless Show’ on London’s Capital Radio. The programme included such musical monstrosties as ‘This Pullover’ by Jess Conrad and ‘The Mechanical Man’ by Bent Bolt And The Nuts and proved to be so popular that three more shows were produced before ‘The Bottom 30’ was broadcast on May 14th. This featured the 30 worst records as voted for by listeners of the previous shows and was so successful that a compilation album ‘The World’s Worst Record Show’ was released the next year featuring 20 songs from the programmes. In case you’re wondering, the 1965 single ‘I Want My Baby Back’ by Jimmy Cross was voted the worst record ever – it’s a bizarre parody of the ‘teenage death records’ of the time, in which the singer recounts the fatal traffic accident that resulted in his girlfriend’s death and dismemberment (‘over there was my baby… and over there was my baby… and way over there was my baby…’) and ends with him being so overcome with grief that he gets into the coffin with her. No really he does, we’re not making it up – here, have a listen :-

It’s the sort of record that you either find really funny or really offensive – rather like these six astonishing offerings :-

MR. BLOBBY – ‘MR. BLOBBY’

Mr. Blobby was the spectacularly-annoying brainchild of the spectacularly-annoying Noel Edmonds; he began life as a ‘comic character’ (we use the term loosely) in the BBC television programme ‘Noel’s House Party’ and went on to release this disturbing single in December 1993. It made number 1 in the charts – replacing Meat Loaf’s ‘I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)’ in the process, so maybe it wasn’t all bad? – but was then deposed by ‘Babe’ by Take That after just one week. Incredibly it then became the first single to return to number one since ‘Mony Mony’ by Tommy James And The Shondells in 1968 when it regained pole position on Christmas Day.

If that wasn’t upsetting enough the follow-up single ‘Christmas In Blobbyland’ also made the charts two years later. Happy Christmas indeed.

CRAZY FROG – ‘AXEL F’

In 1997 a 17-year-old student Daniel Malmedahl recorded himself impersonating the sound of an engine then posted it on the Internet. A Swedish television researcher heard it and asked him to perform the sound on TV where it was then used as the sound of a formula one car in 2001. Two years later a three dimensional animated character named ‘The Annoying Thing’ was created to accompany the sound; this was renamed ‘Crazy Frog’ when it was marketed as a mobile phone ringtone a year later.

None of this explains how an appalling remix of the ‘Beverley Hills Cop’ theme music ‘Axel F’ featuring said sound effect topped the singles charts in The United Kingdom, France, Switzerland, Australia, Republic of Ireland, Belgium, Denmark, France, New Zealand, Norway, Ukraine, Spain, Sweden and probably some other places as well. Let’s face it – nothing will ever explain that.

BOMBALURINA – ‘ITSY WITSY TEENY WEENIE YELLOW POLKA DOT BIKINI’

A strong contender for being the best proof yet that the devil definitely exists, this aural atrocity was the work of the terminally uncool Timmy Mallett who unleashed this ghastly piece of work on the unsuspecting general public in August 1990. It inexplicably topped the U.K. charts and sold over a million copies, casting considerable doubt over the sanity of all concerned in the process.

Even writing these few words about it has made us feel a bit queasy, so we’ll stop now before we give it any more publicity.

KEITH HARRIS AND ORVILLE THE DUCK – ‘ORVILLE’S SONG (I WISH I COULD FLY)’

Keith Harris became well known as a ventriloquist thanks to characters like Orville The Duck and Cuddles The Monkey, even to the extent of having his own television show ‘Cuddles And Company’ in the 1980s. All well and good – until Keith and Orville were allowed to release ‘Orville’s Song (I Wish I Could Fly)’ in December 1982. You might have thought that dressing the hapless Orville in nothing but a nappy was humiliating enough for the poor little fella, but then forcing him to sing lyrics like ‘The other birds laugh and say that I’m daft and I am, They tease me a lot and call me a clot and I am’ should surely have seen The R.S.P.C.A. getting involved.

Mind you him and his mate Mr. Harris did end up in a show called ‘Duck Off’ so maybe there is such a thing as justice?

And talking of our feathered friends…

THE TWEETS – ‘THE BIRDIE SONG’

What can be said about this unspeakable creation that hasn’t already been said? Originally an oom-pah song called ‘Der Entntanz (The Duck Dance)’ by the Swiss accordion player Werner Thomas in the 1950s it went through several incarnations before the music business entrepreneur Henry Haddaway produced a version that he called ‘The Birdie Song’ in 1982. It somehow managed to sell over one-and-a-half million copies in the U.K. alone, and both it and the equally horrifying dance routine that all too often accompanies it have been the scourge of society ever since.

Thousands of years of civilisation are wiped out every time somebody says that they think this record is funny.

BLACK LACE – ‘AGADOO’

In a 2003 poll for Q magazine a panel of music writers voted ‘Agadoo’ to be the worst song of all time. They described it as ‘mind-rottingly awful’, adding ‘It sounded like the school disco you were forced to attend, your middle-aged relatives forming a conga at a wedding party, a travelling DJ act based in Wolverhampton, every party cliche you ever heard’. Many would consider this to be a charitable description of Black Lace’s seventh single (lucky for them, unlucky for the rest of us) which was first released in 1984 and that has cast a terrifying spectre of Orwellian proportions over Planet Earth ever since. Spectacularly bad in every way, the lyrics begin by plumbing hitherto uncharted depths of inanity by rhyming ‘shake a tree’ with ‘grind coffee’ while suggesting that pushing a pineapple would be a good idea. Incredibly things go downhill from there – and what is an agadoo anyway? Aga-don’t more like…

Well there are a few of our candidates for the worst records ever made – no doubt you can come up some of your own. In the meantime to show that something very good can sometimes come from something very bad here’s our retro-styled t-shirt homage to a chant that’s often sung on The Kop by fans of Liverpool Football Club to Daniel Agger :-

What Would Agger Do

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